This morning I wrote in my journal:
I am in a better place today. I’m not sure what made the difference, but my head is clearer and I don’t feel nearly as sad. I guess what I feel most at the moment is guilt. Guilt because as I share the things I do, I get support from others who can relate or sympathise.
The lows don’t last forever though, so the guilt kicks in as the sadness dissipates and I start feeling better. My mood improves and with it, my perspective, my words, my sense of self. I can imagine that during “the highs” people who know me personally or track my posts on social may wonder how it could possibly have been as bad as I made it out to sound if I can be so perfectly normal in person or online just a day or two later. In moments of reflection, even I question myself on this point. Am I being dramatic? Am I imagining this? Am I seeking attention and contriving a situation in which my whole existence feels pointless? Or is this really me? And I know in my heart that the answer is the latter. It’s really me. Yesterday is how I really felt and today is how I really feel. Can’t it be that simple?
Upon further reflection, I can assure myself (and you if you need) that it is simple.
What was true for you yesterday may not be true for today and that’s perfectly okay. It doesn’t mean that the feelings or thoughts or experiences were any less valid at the time or even now.
And you needn’t feel an obligation to justify yourself to others. What you are is human. A feeling, emotional being with your own baggage and hang-ups. Whether you choose to delve into your humanity and tackle the particular challenges you face is up to you. But apologetic? Guilty? When it comes to speaking your truth, that’s not something you ever need to feel.
I have FND and hoping this can help me!!